GETTING IT RIGHT AND GETTING IT TIGHT FOR THE SUMMER.
Fitness, body-image, and self-esteem all go hand in hand. I can’t even begin to go into how many times I have been called fat in my life. That word can really fuck a girl up. It’s one of those words that hits you deep. I ran track when I was younger and was thinner but still not skinny and I got called fat. I played rugby and literally ran, and ran and ran and was in the best shape of my life and still was never skinny and was called fat. Fuck that noise. I am not fat. I have fat on my body but I have seen a fat person and I am not it. Here is the thing about growing up and being chubby, fat, thick, and rotund or round you can do 3 things;
1. Not give a fuck.
2. Hate yourself.
3. Lose Weight.
I chose to not give a fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be rail thin and just prance around half naked all the time, because that is exactly what I would do if I were skinny. I believe there is a reason I was never meant to be rail thin. I would not be the nice girl I am today who writes blogs about self acceptance, and being a good friend. I would be a man stealing, shit talking, skinny bitch that terrorized everyone around me. That’s what’s buried deep down inside of me, underneath the curves, and confidence; an evil skinny bitch and I love her. I also love myself, but I love myself the most when I am working out and trying to be a fit bitch.
I have so much respect for fit bitches, not skinny bitches, FIT bitches. I have respect for the girls that workout everyday and count every calorie. Being skinny is a fucking full-time job and those bitches put in work. Now the skinny bitches that eat whatever they want and but still get to prance around half naked with their bones rattling in the wind, those are the bitches I hate on. I will admit that I secretly wish that I could hear my bones rattle or fight to keep my feet on the ground so that gusts of wind don’t carry me away. I wasn’t meant to be skinny; I would be a snobby, mean bitch who just ran around half naked, sticking out my collar bones and just basking in my boniness. In order for me to be skinny I would literally have to watch everything that I ate and work out like a mad woman. I have done that and still never got as skinny as I wanted. To those of you who are thinking that I don’t want it bad enough, you are right. I don’t want it enough to let it consume my life.
I work out. I go through phases where I’m super healthy and I workout everyday and then I stop and then I start again and then I stop and so on. You can call me chubby, fat or whatever but you will never call me obese! Hell No! Working out and eating right is something we all have to do for our health mental and physical but most of all I don’t want to be too fat. I don’t want to be jiggling all over the goddamn place and sweating up a storm in the summer. I want to eat well for good skin and a body that looks good in a high waist two piece bathing suit, what some call a Fatkini. I need to work out and eat right for survival reasons as well. When the impending zombie apocalypse does happen my ass is not going be the fat girl that gets eaten because she couldn’t run away from zombies. What if the world goes to shit and I find myself in some kind of hunger games situation? I’m already at a disadvantage because I don’t have weapons training but I should be able to at least make an attempt at running for my life and be strong enough to take someone down in hand to hand combat. What if I was on a ship and it began to sink and the only way to swim to safety was through a small hatch door and my ass couldn’t fit and I’m the fat girl drowning on the fucking ship, or I get out the hole but I don’t have the endurance to swim to shore or tread water till the coast guard comes because I’m fat and I’m tired? That will not be me; I can’t lose my life to some impending doom or Diabetes. Missing toes and bitches that can’t breathe after they walk up the subway stairs are not sexy.
Sexy is as sexy does. Although my body is not a perfect specimen, I love it because it’s mine, it belongs to me, I need to take care of it. I believe that you need to get naked and look in the mirror and accept that some things will never change and that all the shit that makes you different makes you beautiful. I also believe that if you hate what you see when you look in the mirror then you should change it. It’s that simple and that is so annoying. It’s annoying that it’s true, that it’s a fact. It’s a fact that if you want to lose 100 pounds, you can lose 100 pounds. The problem with that is that losing 100 pounds is going to be a bitch, so start out by losing 20 and looking in the mirror and loving the body you see and then losing another 20 won’t be so hard. Every trainer, gym enthusiast and fit bitch that I know said the same thing about being skinny. Diet, exercise and dedication will give you a sexy ass body. If you want to be skinny you can be skinny, you just have to want it really bad. It’s true I don’t want it bad enough, never really have. I have vodka to drink and boys to flirt with and a life to enjoy and the joy of skinniness doesn’t top those things in my book. What can I say? I am a work in progress. I’m just a girl with this blog who loves to give advice about shit that she is nowhere near being an expert on; like relationships and weight loss. I have never lost 100 pounds but if I did, I would be that mean, evil, fabulous, skinny bitch that God did not intend me to be and that would be amazing.
The pursuit of skinny can quickly take over your life and make you obsessed. I have a friend who lost a ridiculous amount of weight doing P90x and she says she will die trying to keep and maintain the weight loss because being skinny is delicious, more delicious than fried chicken or cake or even rice and beans. (According to her). Summertime is here and I don’t feel like I could stroll down a beach in a Fatkini with confidence so I have been on the pursuit of skinny for a couple of weeks now. Last night I had a dream that I ate all of these delicious cookies and then I had potato salad and then I ate fried chicken, it was like a nightmare. I woke up so scared and thought about how many calories that would be on my fitness pal and freaked out. All I could think about was how much I would have to run to burn it off.Food should not give you nightmares; food should not drive a person this crazy. Trying to attain an unrealistic form of beauty is tiring, trust me I should know. Kudos to those of us who are out there chasing the ultimate skinny girl dream and I hope you achieve it. I also hope that it makes you happy and not miserable; I hope that you don’t ever let it consume you. I love my curves but if I am honest I couldn’t not love my curves if they made me as round as a beach ball, so I try not to let them get out of control. I don’t want be at a disadvantage if the world as we know it changes or a freak accident happens. I could be put in a situation where I need to be able to, fight, run or swim for my life so occasionally I let this affect my food choices and decisions to bust out a little 30 min cardio here and there. Working out and eating right gives you more energy and makes you feel great but I can’t say that I am 100% committed 24/7. This is your body, own it, love it, take care of it and fuck everybody else including me. (Who the fuck am I?